School was over.
I wanted to borrow that phrase—school was over before I even knew it.
Yeah… it wasn’t as if the time had just flown by.
Staring blankly into space didn’t make the passage of time feel any faster.
I had simply endured every single one of those agonizing moments without running away even once.
Amid the violent churning of emotions… I slowly savored the pain.
If I heard a loud laugh from somewhere, it sounded like mockery aimed at me.
If someone was talking with an amused expression, I started to think it was about me.
Every single moment, my heart felt like it was plummeting.
Maybe it’s not. I want to believe it’s not. Yeah, I want to believe it’s not me.
That I’m just being oversensitive, that I’m just having delusions of persecution.
I wished someone would grab me and set me straight.
Because I didn’t want to be like this either.
I didn’t want to flinch and shrink away at every trivial word that brushed past me.
But my body reacts that way anyway.
I can’t adapt to my own body, to my own self… and at every moment, I don’t know who to blame.
Yeah, whether I should blame myself for being this weak, or blame those who made me misunderstood like this.
Whether I should blame Choi Ahyeon for creating this situation. Or blame myself for accepting that joke without a second thought.
Even that judgment has become clouded now.
The time I spent staring blankly only left me this lost and confused.
***
- Ring~ ♬
***
[000 and 5 others started following you]
[000 and 21 others liked your post]
***
Notifications like those began going off on my phone.
Follow alerts and like alerts from people I didn’t even know.
It was definitely not a good sign.
They’d probably seen that archived video… looked me up, and followed out of curiosity or for fun.
And the likes… were piling up on the one and only post I’d ever uploaded before.
That wasn’t a good sign either, obviously.
Anyway, now even my phone notifications were tormenting me.
At this rate, I should probably make my SNS private for a while…
***
“Hey…! Jino!!”
***
Just as I was leaving school alone and heading home, a familiar voice urgently called out to stop me.
It was familiar, but not welcome.
I figured she’d come to say something about that incident, and that wasn’t exactly welcome either.
Having to perform an unwanted autopsy on a corpse that had already been torn to shreds—there was no way that could be welcome.
I had absolutely no desire to revisit that incident through Choi Ahyeon’s mouth now.
Because nothing would change even if we did. It would only be picking at old wounds.
I’m already shaken up enough by what happened, and I’m the one suffering the direct consequences.
Just letting it fester inside was already more than I could handle.
***
“Wait a sec… haah, why’d you go on ahead alone. Hoo, hoo.”
***
Ahyeon must have run all the way here, because she was bent over in front of me, gasping for breath.
But even so… like I said before, we didn’t always walk home together anyway.
Like she’d said before, she was too busy hanging out with her new friends from the new semester.
Even when we did walk home together, we never left from school at the same time. We’d meet at some street corner and head back together.
***
“Why?”
***
I looked down at Ahyeon and replied as plainly as plain could be.
Once the rot had settled deep inside, it seemed to block any way of surfacing on the outside.
***
“I’m sorry about earlier… Honestly, I was pretty flustered too… so I couldn’t say it right away. Anyway, I’m sorry.”
***
As expected, Ahyeon apologized about what happened earlier.
And from the sound of it, she’d been caught off guard herself, which was why she couldn’t come find me and apologize right away.
I see.
***
“Yeah. Got it.”
***
I answered indifferently.
Perhaps this was the most hollow response I’d ever given.
***
“So, um… I got hit with a penalty, you know. Because… you know how those guys are, they’re super playful.”
***
Sorry, but I don’t know.
I understand what you’re trying to say… but I don’t understand why you’re saying it to me.
Whether your friends are that playful isn’t my business.
***
“And… the penalty was that I had to confess to someone, but… I didn’t have anyone to do it with. I’m not close with any of the other guys. And the other girls wouldn’t work either. You know what I mean…?!”
***
With that, Ahyeon sought my sympathy.
But her seeking that sympathy was even crueler from where I stood.
My heart ached too much.
On the flip side… it meant she thought it’d be fine to pull that kind of prank on me.
It meant she chose me because I was easier for her to clean up after than dealing with anyone else.
So… she thought she could toy with me like that, and as long as she reached out her hand to fix it afterward, everything would be resolved.
I was just that easy a target to her.
Yeah, maybe I’m interpreting this in a particularly twisted way.
Or maybe Ahyeon… thought our relationship was that solid. That it was strong and deep enough that something like this wouldn’t break it.
She probably thought I’d understand anything.
That if she apologized and said she was sorry… it would just quietly blow over.
That’s why.
That’s why she’s standing here right now, saying these things to me like this.
With a strangely playful attitude, like someone who still doesn’t grasp the seriousness of it all.
Like someone trying to brush it off as no big deal.
Like it’ll all just fizzle out into nothing.
Like if she acts that way, I’ll get swept along and let it slide.
…
But… that’s not how it should work, is it?
The closest person to me, the deeper the bond—shouldn’t that mean I need to be even more careful?
At least, that’s what I think.
Even if you gave that wound to a complete stranger and I had to bear the full responsibility for it, at least I wouldn’t be thinking about lessening the blame by hurting the person closest to me.
Being close doesn’t mean you can treat someone carelessly.
***
“Anyway… I’m sorry. It was a joke. You understand, right? Jino… huh?”
***
“…”
***
Ahyeon looked up at me with a slight aegyo.
Forcing eye contact with me when I was deliberately avoiding her gaze.
***
“Come on… let’s not get all awkward over something like this. We’re not that kind of people. I’ll make it up to you. It was just a joke— and you probably didn’t mean it seriously either. Right?!”
***
Ahyeon gently grabbed my hand with both of hers and swayed it side to side.
It was starting to feel uncomfortable.
In the past, her actions right now would’ve made my heart race nonstop, and I’d have been struggling to hide the loud thumping.
But… this wasn’t something simple enough to just let slide.
Ahyeon seemed to want to cover everything up with the convenient word “joke,” but I couldn’t do that.
Maybe she genuinely thought that way. Without any malice, truly.
To her, this really might be nothing—just a trivial little incident.
***
“That’s enough.”
***
I pulled my hand away.
Ahyeon looked at me with slightly flustered eyes.
***
“Why, what’s wrong…?! Jinooo…!”
***
She trailed after me, following at my heels.
***
“Let’s just go home.”
***
I said that with my gaze fixed straight ahead.
I answered plainly again.
***
“Okay. You want to get home and rest early today, right? Sorry.”
***
Maybe it was because I’d answered so plainly.
Ahyeon seemed to think I’d accepted her apology and was starting to soften up.
But my heart was anything but.
I hadn’t answered plainly with that intention at all.
It was just… because I’d let go.
There were definitely moments when I wanted to grab her, hash everything out, and explode in anger.
Of course, even now, thinking about what I went through at school and how it was being viciously circulated on Insta… the rage was boiling up so much that the veins at my temples felt like they’d burst.
But…
But still.
If I dumped all of that on her… what would happen afterward?
I’d just be venting my resentment—it wouldn’t heal my shock or my wounds.
And it’s not like I could face Choi Ahyeon the way I used to anyway.
I don’t know about her, but I absolutely couldn’t.
Because it was too deep a wound. Because it felt like I’d been betrayed.
The fact that I had a crush on her—that was my own private feeling, so she didn’t have to know.
But this wasn’t right.
You can’t treat the time I spent by your side so lightly.
It’s true that I didn’t do those things expecting anything in return. It’s true that I helped you willingly.
But even so, what do you want me to do if you just treat me like that?
You don’t have to know about my presumptuous feelings. It’s fine that you never saw me as a man.
It’s only natural that you don’t like me. It’s not like I was nursing a broken heart from being rejected in the first place.
But still… still, I wanted to be someone precious to you.
I wanted this relationship to be precious to you too.
Yeah… that’s why.
Contrary to that wish of mine, you didn’t seem to think of me as someone precious.
You thought of me as the closest person, sure, but not as someone precious.
So I chose to let go.
And slowly… slowly, I mean.
***
“You’re still doing the Running tomorrow, right?! I can’t get up if Jino doesn’t call me…!”
***
Even now, there were things like this where Ahyeon depended on me.
That’s why I chose to drift away slowly.
God… I’m such a good-hearted fool. I must be born with a soft streak.
Even in a situation like this, I’m still being considerate.
If I just cut this relationship off all at once, so many things seemed like they’d collapse…
And I was also worried she’d resent me if she didn’t get a good result at the audition because of it.
Seeing how I still feel a sense of responsibility to a certain degree…
Still…
…
***
“I’ll still do the Running. But… try waking up on your own from now on.”
***
That’s what I have to say.
One by one, bit by bit, so she can do things on her own.
Because that’s the only way I’ll feel like I’ve cleanly tied up this relationship.
And when that time comes—when I have nothing left to tie up—
I’ll spring a farewell on her that only I was prepared for, without any warning.